Moment of Clarity

A moment of clarity came while grocery shopping with my 2 children.  Caedmon brought his dollar with him.  And being Caedmon, he felt compelled to twirl it, roll it, and throw it over and over again. It wasn’t long before the dollar bill found a new home under one of the shelving units.  This of course brought the poor little guy to tears, as he begrudgingly followed Amanda and I through the store.

Meanwhile, the Princess Presley Claire, who was without a dollar, was running up and down the aisles without a care in the world.  She was just enjoying being two and the freedom in knowing that mom and dad will take care of her.  She has no concept of the value of money. She doesn’t need to, because all her needs are provided.

I thought about my relationship with God.  Whenever He gives me something, I immediately take ownership of it. Sometimes, I find myself loving the gift more than the giver. And despite the multiple warning to not twirl, roll, and throw the gift, I choose to ignore the warnings to do thins MY way with MY gift.  In end, I usually end up losing it.

How much more simple would it be to just enjoy life. And when the Father gives me something, find just as much joy in that as I would have in simply being in His presence.  Gifts are good, but the giver is better.

Tired Weight Loss

We had just returned from the mountains the day before.  I was tired and still not back on track.  Add to this, the incredibly bright side of the building and you will find this humurous.

We were at our favorite burrito joint.  Nobody makes breakfast burritos in smalltown Plainview, like Nena’s.  Their only downside is the old building, of which they decided to pait bright white with red trim.  The drive through window faces the east and if you come in the late morning, the side of the building is one big eye sore. So much in fact, that I could not form a coherent thought that day. One of the workers tried to have small talk with me while I was waiting on my burritos:

Worker: Kevin, you look like you are losing too much weight - (She called me by name because I go there too much).

Me: Yeah - (At this point, all I could think of was the blinding light)

Worker: Are you dieting? - (Is she serious)

Me:  Just Tired - (Because being tire makes you lose weight)

Worker: (After a strange stare) - Working too much?

Me: (Realizing what I just said) - Yeah, I think so.

Amanda, upon hearing what just happened, is in stitches.

Fantastic Fridays

Police Answer Call of Family Fight
If the police were going to be called on me and Amanda, I can’t think of a better one than this. Thanks to Chris Brown for this entry.

Rolling Exhibition
Asher sent me this one. What an incredible artist - born with no legs.

T-Shirt Into Drawstring Bag
For the crafters out there, great way to recycle old school t-shirts.

Not Always Right
Ha!

God’s Sense of Humor
God does have a way of doing things.

Most Impressive Rock Formations
Yes, the Panhandle of Texas made a spot on the list!

ASL Matchbooks
If you are ever board and find yourself with a bunch of matchbooks …

Quest for Every Beard Type
Kenneth and Dann should enjoy these

Mark Seliger
Another incredible photographer

Smores For Geeks
If you are going to eat smores…

Hangman
Bet you never thought about this

Uniquely Caedmon

I always knew that Caedmon was going to be an amazing kid.  When he was 2, his favorite color was chartruese. Not green or forest green.  Nope. Chartruese.

When he was 3, Caedmon knew exactly what size spoon he wanted you to use in order to put the peanut butter on his sandwhich.  It was a tea spoon. If you used a table spoon in his presence, wrath was sure to follow.

At age 4, Caedmon was was fiercly loyal to whatever rules we set up. One time, we received a phone call from the neighbor. Caedmon was over and wasn’t too sure if he was allowed to watch Back to the Future.  He refused to watch it until he called to check in with us.  While at church, we were pulled to the side because Caedmon refused the kool-aid and cookies on the count that they had too much sugar in them. He compromised for a glass of water.

At age 5, Caedmon was counting money and making change in Monopoly. He even beat me a couple of times. His math curriculum had him doing pre-algebra.  He could also tell you the color of every sword used in Star Wars and to whom belonged to.

Caedmon is now 6 years old. A couple of weeks ago we had him tested for autism because of social quirkiness, obsessive tendencies, and sensory integration issues. Turns out the kid is just a “difficult child“  (not in the general sense; there’s a scale) who is incredibly smart.

We went to a follow up visit today with a children’s speech pathologist.  It wasn’t because Caedmon couldn’t speak well. It was because he has a funny way of interacting with others.  Caedmon came back with a non-verbal IQ of a 15 year old (14 years and 9 months to be exact).  The pathologist had never had someone score as high as he did on the tests.

We were asked to do a follow up visit next week for occupational therapy. This will help Caedmon to stop bouncing off the walls and teaching him to handle his sensory integration issues.  He will also be taught how to deal with his obsessive tendencies.

My only thought in this whole process is “What did I do, to deserve such an awesome kid.”

Geeky Love

I am in love.  I watch her every night as she sits across from me, wildly typing away at the computer - chatting up Facebook friends and laughing at her own sarcasm.  Every love song that comes on over the speakers drives me madder in love with her. Especially when she takes notice of my goofy body movements that are out of synch with the beautiful lyrics and synchopated beats.

And it is a deeper love than just being married.  No, its a love that comes from truly knowing a person. It is a love that comes from being able to finish each other’s sentences and being able to order the exact thing they want from a fast food joint, when you were told to “get them something.” It is the kind of love that sees past the madness of bad days and envelopes the joys of simple things, liking getting a new “toy.”

This love, our love, isn’t always easy.  Sometimes it makes you do things you may not want to, like rubbing stinky sun burn relief on your spouse 20 times a day.  This love even calls for a time out or two, just to have some room to breath from each other. Sometimes this love is embarrasses you in front of others in awkward social settings or one’s temper gets the best of you.

And the beautiful thing is that it is ever growing. I love her, because she loves me.  She loves me, because I love her.

I am thankful she said “yes” too that boy with a geeky smile 7 years ago, not realizing what she got herself into.

Vote of Confidence

I have been watching videos over at Yahoo Launch. Video after video is filled with rock stars who exude a formidable confidence as they face camera with a facade of perfection.  I always wondered how they gained so much confidence.

There are a few times in life when I had tremendous confidence. More often than not, these times coincided with a clear direction from God. He told me to stand up and interupt a Morman church service I was forced to go to at the age of 15.  Another time, He lead me boldly to the front of the auditorium begging the congregation with tear stained eyes to not take Communion in vain.  As a youth minister, God used my mouth to challange another congregation to overcome their family ties and start making decisions based on His will and direction, as opposed to them running the show. I was shortly fired after that sermon!

Most of the time, I seem confident.  But on the inside I am standing on the edge with a parachute in one hand and a cable tied around waist, just in case.

So how do you gain confidence?

Here’s Your Sign

In 1997, I graduated from High Shool and Bill Engvall graced the world of country music with a

my sunburn

hilarious song that had every one saying “Here’s Your Sign” when an innocent bystander was observed doing stupid things.

Prior to going to the lake yesterday, my wife told me more than once to put on sun block. I delightfully said no before diving into cool, crisp water.

Well Kevin, “Here’s Your Sign.”

Jesus the Pied Piper

There is an old German folk tale that has been remade over in various cartoons and children’s books. The story is of a man who came into the German town of Hamerlin with a solution for their overwhelming rat infestation. The piper played a tune and lured the rats to a nearby river, where the rodents met a watery death. After the problem was gone, the piper asked for payment and the town refused to pay.  So the pied piper went back into town and played the flute, luring the children to follow him, never to be seen again.

A gruesome tale to relate to Jesus Christ, eh?  As I reflected on my relationship with Christ over my life, the story of the pied piper kept coming to mind.  Christ waltzed into my life with a solution to my overwhelming problem of a sin infestation. The only cost was my obedience.  But after dieing on the cross, I refused payment. My problem was gone, but I needed more persuasion. I was afraid. So Christ came back from the dead, and this time lured me with a love song that is older than time and deeper than any ocean I have ever been in.  It was a love song that changed me, so that the old Kevin was to never be seen again.

Hard To Follow Up

It has been 4 days. Every time I come back to the blog, that previous post haunts me.  I keep breaking down. I don’t know why it has taken me 20 something years to mourn the loss of my father. I think having 2 of my own kids has really impacted my loss.

To The Father I Never Had

On May 24, 1987, Alex Ray Leggett (my father) was found under a car dead.  He had be welding up under the car when a light drizzle started to fall. The water short circuited the welding machine and the car conducted the electrical shock, taking my father’s life from him. I was 7 years old. This Father’s Day, I wanted to get a few things off my chest:

Dad,

I can not believe it has been 21 years.  I realize that most sons outlive their father, but I feel I have been cheated a little bit, robbed of some very precious years and wisdom that only comes from that close knit bond a father and son share as they go through life “being men” together. Now that I have a son, I miss that advice even more. There is so much I wish I knew about being a dad and I have a lot left to learn. Life has been hell to say the least, but God has been gracious enough to provide me with a loving family, an education, and a roof over my head. It hasn’t always been that way.

Mom changed a lot after you were gone. She has been an alcoholic since that day.  We moved around a lot. Whenever one of her boyfriends got tired of the drinking, they would kick us out.  I think she was scared of being alone and the thought of raising us two boys was too much to handle. She used alcohol as medication for the pain of losing you and in the end, she forgot that being a mother comes first. We never really had a father after you. I am not bitter though. God stepped in, nurtured me and told me that He would be father. That He did!

I wish I could say the same for Chucky.  First of all, I respect you for loving him as your own. I know it must have been hard to know that mom cheated on you. But never the less, you loved him. And I think if you lived today, he would probably be your favorite of the two.  I was always reading books, while you and Chucky were out hunting and doing “man” things.  I honestly think our relationship would have been strained, because I was never that kind of kid.  I am not bitter at the thought either. We are all wonderfully and fearfully made by God and in that process we are as unique as falling snow flakes. Chucky was the wild one. He loved working on the car, hunting, and fishing with you. I loved books and always hid the lizards in fear of what my brother might do to them. Hunting was never my thing. While I enjoy eating game, I couldn’t shoot an animal.  And the thought of gutting a fish still makes me nauseous.

Chucky is doing good now. He didn’t follow the same path I did and has had a hard enough life. Chucky never really liked school and was always struggling with classes. However, he excelled at shop class and was always making incredible things out of wood. He could tear apart a car in no time, but didn’t have the discipline to study.  He basically flunked out of school and joined a gang to cope with family life.  He and I were and still are very close. However, Chucky never really understood the love of God and refers to me as “a preacher.”  He’s married and has 5 kids, although none of them are his.  However, he loves them as his own and you could never tell they weren’t his. He works for a meat packaging plant and seems to be on his feet now.

Chucky and I have a little sister now. Unfortunately, her dad is the same guy mom cheated on you with. Her name is Britney and she is 11 years old now. I went to college right after she was born, so I didn’t have a chance to bond with her. I talk with her on the phone and try to see her and mom when I get the chance. I could care less for Charlie, as he did nothing but my mom more beer and drugs. He lied to me and hurt me deeply. Mom has left him and is currently staying with a friend.

I finish school and college. I have an undergraduate in Religion (Bible) and a Master’s in Education. I I work from home doing computer stuff as a synergist for a company out of Dallas. My wife’s name is Amanda and your grandchildren are named Caedmon (6) and Presley (2).  Dad, I have never been so in love before. I never understood how much you and mom loved me until I had them. And I certainly didn’t get that aspect of God’s love before these two came along. Caedmon is a very intense kid, who is incredibly bright and creative. He will talk your off and would be by your side the moment you told him you were sick. Presley is a little princess with the most beautiful blue eyes. She has me wrapped around her little finger and I drop everything when she says “daddy, hold.” Caedmon looks like me, so he looks like you. Presley looks like her mom.

Amanda and I met in college. After 4 days, I told her I wanted to marry her. Bought her a ring a month later, and within a year we were married.  She works at being a mom and homeschools the kids.  That in itself is a full time job! She knows me better than I know myself, and I would be completely lost with out her.

Your mom is still alive. I saw her about two years ago when I went to the infamous Leggett family reunion. I have to say that I am not that impressed with your side of the family. Forgive me, but your brothers are assholes who swapped wife among other things. I lived with Jerry for a while and thought he was genuinely interested in taking care of me. I could not have been wronger. He wanted me to live with him so that he could receive your social security check.  Those were some of the worse years of my life.

And to be honest, I think you would have been right there with them some days. I would like to think you would honor your position as a father, but you weren’t mature enough. I still remember you growing marijuana in the back yard. I still remember how important it was for you to watch porn over at friend’s house. So important, you told us to just turn around.  And that sexual immaturity has only lingered on. Your nephew, Carl had me and Chucky give him oral sex.  I have always had a strong addiction to porn and was told it was  normal for guys. Regardless, God didn’t make sex for that and you should be ashamed of not protecting us. We were kids, dad. Your kids. And you failed. I would like to say that all dads make mistakes, but those were detrimental mistakes.  I love you and have forgiven you (and Carl and your family), because Jesus Christ forgave me.

So its Father’s day. I miss you. But I can’t say I regret your death. I don’t think I would have been as close to God. Furthermore, I don’t know how close you were to him.  When I get to heaven, I will look for you. I hope you are there. I hope mom and Chucky will be too. I have tried talking to them about Christ and God’s love. They just pass it off as “preacher talk” and I fear the day they die. I wish you could tell us where you were. If you were in heaven, you could tell them about the truth. And if you are in hell (God forbid), you could persuade them to just listen.

So that’s all I have to say. I wish I knew what this being a father thing was all about. I wish I had someone I could call up, when I didn’t know how to change my oil. And when my son asked to play football, I wish I had someone to show him the ropes. I fail at fixing most handy things, but wife is very forgiving. So if you can hear me from the grave, I love you, forgive you and hope you have a great father’s day.

Love,

Kevin